Everywhere you turn these days, people are talking about all of the new baldness cures that are the market today. What a lot of people don’t know, and what some people don’t want you to know, is that most types of baldness came be cured with simple household products that you probably have in your kitchen cabinets, in your compost pile and in that metal cabinet where you keep dangerous chemicals locked up so that the neighborhood kids don’t fool around and get you arrested by getting themselves killed or blinded.
Truthfully, there is nothing wrong with some of the commercially available baldness treatments (click here to visit my store) but why not make use of the stuff you already have rather than buying more stuff, even if it does cause the local Greenpeace people to report you to the EPA, the IRS, the CPA, the BBC, NBC, or worse yet, Ben and Jerry’s.
There are many different but equally effective do it yourself baldness treatments that you can whip up from the comfort of your own kitchen or bathroom, although it is usually best with most of these to do it outside on a day that is slightly overcast, with a brisk wind blowing, so as to disperse the fumes and lessen somewhat, the probability of an explosion.
In this article, I will focus upon only one of these diy baldness cures, with others discussed in following write ups.
Firstly, you will need to make the preparations, and then assemble the necessary ingredients:
- Secure a “burn permit” if your local government requires one.
- Post a public notice of your intentions in your local newspaper and notify radio, TV stations, or other media sources such a mediums and apothecaries.
- Fast and pray fervently for thirty days.
- Get a checkup from your doctor, paying extra attention to cardiac health.
- Denounce Satan and all of His works.
- Just in case, make a deal with Satan and all of His works. Let’s be politically minded about this.
Now, you are ready to begin assembling the necessary ingredients, which if you are like me, you already have most of these items around the house:
- 1 pound of Spectracide ant poison granules.
- 1 ounce of Liquid Smoke.
- 14 ounces of plaster of paris (or 10 ounces of Quickcrete).
- 1 quart of DOT2 brake fluid.
- 2 teaspoons of black, white yellow pepper.
- 1\2 pound of smokeless gunpowder.
- 4 ounces of Nivea skin care cream.
- 2 tablespoons of French Market coffee (NO chickory!).
- 1 gallon of diesel fuel.
- 1 quart of Hidden Valley Ranch salad dressing.
- 1 pound of centipede grass seed (do not skip this step).
- 1 pound of Kraft Vegemite.
- And lastly, carefully shred 16 one-dollar bills, or 3 fives and a one, or a ten, a five and a one. If not from the US, check your currency exchange rates, try to use paper currency, or silver (gold will not work!).
Using a large mixing bowl shaped exactly like your head, add all of the above items and stir violently until smoke begins to rise, and the entire mixture begins to glow and hiss evil curses (about two days).
Be careful not to taunt or “make angry” the mixture during this stage.
Using a “Jump Start” battery or some other type of high amperage electrical discharge device, apply 1200 volts for six seconds, then run like hell, as if your life depended on it; as it does.
From a safe distance, watch as the mixture takes on the form of Satan; or some other popular politician, which will then accept cash money in return for empty promises, whilst figuring out ways to seduce young pages, whilst denouncing politicians who seduce young pages, and those who deliver empty promises for cash money.
There you have it.
Tomorrow, we will discuss another highly effective, but somewhat risky, diy baldness treatment.
Thanks for reading.